Grief
by whateverwriter
Summary: This is how Meredith should have dealt with the lost of Derek, the love of her life. This is not something with a happy ending. I just want to explore and maybe provide something the show clearly couldn’t bring. This is only a three shot story :) I’m focusing more on friendships and exploring their relationship with Meredith. This is more focused on her hence the summary..
1. Hurt

**_This is a one shot of Meredith before, during and after she found out that Derek died. I know this is probably something you don't wanna read, but I just want to write what would it be like if Meredith actually grieved Derek. She grieved him alright. But not in a way that many of us liked. So I wanna touch the topic little by little. I'm gonna try to touch some parts of Meredith we didn't get to see like her abandonment issues and other issues our lead character didn't get to explore because the writers are all for the attention and it's like they really don't care about this characters that we all know by heart and loved. And I added an important relationship between Amelia and Meredith here and other characters too. One thing once again that the show failed to do. This one shot is probably very dark. So if you don't want to read it it's fine. I wouldn't want that pain either. I just really wanna rsee how this one shot turns out._**

It was a struggle not to panic after the surgery with Dr. Bailey. Her head is all full. The panic and the pain is all coming back. 5 pm. They all leave she thought. If her husband.. The thought just sank to her stomach. She feels like throwing up. The water from the surgical scrub room is all she can hear. The sounds are screaming. If this is a nightmare she would love to wake up already except she's well aware of everything. Everything is all wavy. Black. In a haze. Someone talking.

"He's not dying you know." A voice muttered

"Huh?" Meredith questioned looking around only to find her sister Amelia wearing a blue scrup cap over the door of the sterile area. Ferry boats. Her husband loves ferry boats. scrub caps. Ferry boats scrub caps. Her head is spinning once again.

"Derek.. He's not dying. He's probably being Derek somewhere out there. Maybe he just got his flight delayed. You never know, so don't stress yourself about it too much." Amelia offered some assurance. That's nice. Meredith thought. It's nice someone is here to look out for her. Someone.

"Yeah, I just." Stopping for a second to breath. She sighed. She sniffled a little. "What if- God!" She put her hands in her head. Thinking about the last time they were together and happy. She's panicking. Amelia thought.

"When you said" clearing her throat. Meredith continued "Um.. back home last month, I can't get it out of my head. When you said that I've never lost the love of my life, that I don't know how to claw myself back from that. That I've never cried over the body of the person I love most in this world." She said clearing her throat once again. Suddenly the atmosphere changing.

"I do know. When um.." Meredith trying to continue. She licked her lips suddenly realizing it's been dry this whole time. "When Derek got shot.. He.." She said trying to process everything.. "I was in the OR" she sniffled again, trying to remember a sickening memory. A memory not anyone would ever want. "I cried.. I cried so much, while he was dying. I can't remember much." She looked up trying to hold the tears while talking, she still continued. "But I can remember, everyone screaming at me to stop crying" She sniffled again and took a deep breath. Trying to calm down she looked at the pair of eyes that was listening to her. Curiosity evident. "I offered my life for him, because I didn't know what else to do... When I saw the gunman inside the OR, I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. All I can think about, really is." She stopped herself looking down while a lonely tear fell. She looked up suddenly, trying to withdraw the tears back.

"All I can think about is. I'm gonna lose him. I'm gonna be all alone with this baby." The pair of eyes suddenly became more curious. Wanting to ask questions but she let her continue, maybe finding her answers. "So I offered my life, while the shooter had a gun to his head, I offered my life instead." Another tear left her green eyes suddenly turning grey like her last name, her life. grey. dull.

She sniffled again and looked up. Trying to stop herself from the pain she's feeling inside her chest. Reminiscing a painful memory. She gasped. "I lost the baby, I almost lost him. And now, I don't think I can take this." She says while trying her hardest not to broke down. A pair of arms suddenly surrounded her body. She let her. She hugged her back. She's crying. Tears of despair. Maybe a little bit of loneliness.

They hugged for, god knows how long. She comforted her sister. Trying not to make any sudden movements. Meredith let go.

She sniffled again and again and again. She let the air out of her chest. The pain is just too much. Every sigh seems like there's more pain added to her chest.

Little did she know, the pain is just beginning.

Meredith Grey. The child of darkness. Meredith Grey never prays. In fact she never believed in gods but here, she can be found in a church. praying. She never know where this place is anyway. She got lost just coming here.

She stared at everything. She didn't pray, she just stares. Stares at the altar, the candles, wondering why is it there? The pain is still there. She thought coming here would be a good idea. She looked at her phone 3:40PM. She promised Amelia and Dr. Bailey that she wouldn't panic until 5PM but here she is panicking anyway. How can she see patients this way? Being here is not a good idea. She finally stand up, turning around to see another pair of eyes watching her.

It's April.

"Hey!" her voice sounding concern. Her and April is not close but they do have their moments.

"I don't even know why I'm here." She sniffled looking around and putting her tiny hands inside her white coat.

"I saw you come in here earlier." April muttered.

Meredith sighed. Sitting down at one of the pull-out chairs. April walked and sat beside her.

"I don't even know how to pray so I don't know why I'm here." Meredith sighed motioning to get up.

"You don't." April stopped her by talking. "You will never learn how to pray because you never have to." She continued. "You just have to talk to him like, you're just talking to a human being. You communicate." She added trying to reassure Meredith.

Meredith stared at her for a long time and looked down because she realized one thing.

Faith is a funny thing. Meredith thought. It's funny how the woman sitting beside her can still have so much faith in a guy that she doesn't even see. Lifetime of commitment to a god who was never there. God took April's child away and yet she's still here. Praying or talking to God or whatever.

"Derek wouldn't die. He can't be. After all you guys have been through together." She sighed looking over to Meredith trying to reassure her that everything will be fine. "Everything has a purpose Meredith. Just believe that." She patted her shoulder, stands up and walked out. Walked out.

Just like everyone did.

It wasn't a long conversation. But it was something that Meredith will never forget.

4:32PM

She finds herself back home. Home. Suddenly forgetting the meaning of it. She can't remember how she got here. All she did was drive. Surprised she didn't get hit by any bus, truck, semi, cars. She looked around, the house became dull and dark. She knotted her eyebrows trying to remember all the good things that happened in this house. Her kids is sleeping. She didn't bother eating. What's the point? if any minute, she can either get a call from Derek or a call from the police saying her husband is either dead or is in an accident.

4:48PM

She sat there. The feeling won't go away. Scenarios in her head starts forming. Every scenario of happiness, anger. She's wishing for anything at this point.

4:59PM

Time stops. She couldn't hear anything. There it is. Doorbell.

Doorbell.

She stands up. Opening the door. Feels like forever. Her head spinning.

"Ma'am is this the home of Derek Shepherd?" A sentence was spoken.

"It.." she cleared her throat. "It is, He's my husband." Sirens. All she can hear is sirens. Blue and Red all over her backyard.

"I'm afraid he's been in an accident." Her heart stopped. She stopped breathing for a second. How can a short sentence be the end of it all? The police stared at her. She couldn't hear a single thing. "Ma'am?" She snapped suddenly panicking.

"My.. My kids... How can I?" She muttered trying to stop herself from panicking more. "They're asleep."

"You can bring them."

Meredith Grey finds herself in the waiting room.

One minute you were fine, then the next you were in a waiting room, waiting for the worst news of your entire life. She looked around. The hospital seems busy. Everything hurts. She's running on 2 hours of sleep and yet she's still here.

All Meredith wants to do is go back. To go back when things were normal. While she goes up the elevator, she didn't want it to end. She didn't want it to open but it did. The light blinded her. Green and Teal covering eyes. Walls look so bright. She wanted to cry but nothing comes out.

And finally she saw him. She saw him. Lying there. She looked at his stats.

Suddenly she wants to scream at everyone. She's mad. Mad at herself. Mad at everyone. Mad maybe because of Derek. Mad at Derek.

She closed her eyes. She couldn't feel anything. How can she not feel anything? She's looking at him. She's finally here. The Moment she's been waiting for. But she couldn't feel a thing. She's numb. Her heart went numb.

She couldn't feel anything. Someone is talking behind her but she can't hear them. The mumbles she can hear but not the actual words. Then she felt like snapping this doctor's head off all of a sudden.

"It... was an honor.." says the brave doctor

She chuckled "An honor?" She turned around, looked at the doctor. If her eyes has lasers shooting out of it, she's sure as hell burned that guy to crisps.

"What? An honor? It was an honor to kill him?" She nodded. She looked at the folder she was holding, studying it.

"To not call a CT was a bad call." She looked at the person beside the guy doctor. A woman. Red hair. Average height.

"We.. We're not a trauma center. We aren't trained properly with this kind of situation." She answered "We di-" she tried to continue but Meredith interrupted "You did the best you could" She turned around. Looking at her husband. Lifeless. Dead.

A drop of tears fell down her hands. She didn't notice that she's crying. She couldn't feel the tears coming down. But it's there. She sniffled. She looked around and found no one there. There's no one there. She put her phone out and she found herself dialing Amelia's phone number.

After a couple of rings she answered "Hey."

"You got a sec?" Meredith answered back, barely speaking. Trying to find the courage to tell his youngest sister that her brother is dead.

"Where is he?" A voice went out. A voice full of panic. Amelia's voice. A voice that's breaking.

"God.. where is he?" "Meredith?" She ran to the door. She holds Amelia while she cried out for her brother. She broke down. They were sitting at the floor. "No.. Derek" Amelia screamed. She shushed her trying to ease the pain. The suffering.

"It's okay. I'm right here Amelia. It's okay." Trying to convince Amelia who's still weeping. She's trying to calm her down by stroking her back, back forth. Wishing she could take away the pain that Amelia is feeling.

She didn't know how long they stayed there like that. She's still crying but it minored down. She looked over her shoulder to see her friends. Bailey, Richard, April, Jackson, Alex is with Jo, Maggie, Owen, Arizona and Callie.

When they arrived, it was quiet. No one wanted to talk. When they received a news that Derek is in another hospital. They were panicking. They saw Amelia with Meredith who is on the floor. Derek is right there. So peaceful.

They looked at both women who is very important to Derek with pity. All of them was crying or at least is in pain. The silence is suddenly unbearable.

"You can come over you know." A voice muttered. A soft but tired voice. Meredith's. They all looked at her in awe. How is she handling this? All thought.

She's in pain. She's in so much pain she couldn't feel it, that's why she's not crying. Alex thought.

They went inside the room, Maggie shut off the blinds and closed the door. Suddenly the room felt a little too hot. Amelia stands up but ended up sitting beside Derek holding his left hand regardless of the pain. She sat beside her brother's arm and caressed it. A tear fell.

"I'm sorry." A voice decided to say. April.

Amelia in the verge of crying again but she didn't let it consume her. She gasped and looked up. She closed her eyes trying not to make any noise.

Meredith sniffled. All the pain is shut down. Alex went up to her. "Are you okay?" Overthinking the question. She didn't know how to answer him so she just looked at him. "How can I be okay?" She smiled, Alex a little taken a back. "My husband just died. How can I be okay?" She answered. Softly almost whispering.

She starts to laugh, everyone is looking at her. She continues anyways and then little by little, everyone starts to laugh. Only this room is full of laughter. Maybe not laughter of joy but they were laughing because this is such a joke.

Meredith sighed "I mean? How is this keep happening to us?" She laughed bitterly once again. "To me?. I mean really? What did I do that was so bad they had to kill everyone I love."

Silence. All she can hear is pure silence. Suddenly being aware of it all. She sighed. "But I'm fine." She told everyone but everyone knows better that those 2 words 'i'm fine' doesn't totally mean she's fine.

Meredith said goodbye. She really said goodbye to her husband. Alex is trying to help her go home but she's refusing. She doesn't want help. It's been weeks since the funeral. Amelia seems to be better. She shouted at a couple of doctors after the funeral but other than that she's going to meetings. She allowed people to help her. It was the most painful thing Owen had to witness Amelia handle. Says a guy who's been to a war several times.

However Meredith isn't allowing anyone to help her. No one has seen her cry. She laughs, she makes jokes about her husband being dead.

Maybe it's denial. Alex thought. Meredith isn't really the type of cryer where she wants help. She doesn't want help. Richard is trying to get her to talk to a psychiatrist but all Richard got is a laugh "Why would I go to psych? I'm not crazy. I'm not harming the patients." her exact words.

It's a Thursday morning. Everyone seems so busy at the hospital since it's the easter. There's a lot of patients coming in, specially children who's got scratches here and there. It's noisy around the hospital yet all Meredith can hear is a sound of silence. She didn't care about her surroundings. It's been great. She's been handling it. It's stuffed down. Just like her mother used to say "Meredith, stuff your feelings in!" so that's what she did. She's handling the Derek is dead thing really well.

Except today seems to be a little too much. The silence is killing her. Someone snapped her from her thought when a nurse approached her. "Hey, Dr. Grey? We have a patient for you." soft voice, the nurse looked at her with pity in her eyes. Just like they all do, she thought.

Coming here today seems like a good idea at the time but if everyone is just gonna look at her with pity, she might as well just be dead too. The thought did come across her mind.

She didn't even remember how she got to this patient's room but she did.

"Ralph McKenna, 49 came thru this morning in the E.R. from a car pile up. Head CT cleared by Dr. Mormon and has extensive abdominal wounds. Already ordered Abdominal CT as well." An intern discuss

"Hi, I'm Dr. Grey, I'll be your surgeon for today. Do you have anyone I can call for you?" She asked the man while reading his chart. He's responsive to the light.

"No, I don't want to bother my wife. She's been busy lately." The guy answered quickly.

"Mr. Ralph this surgery could kill you. I'm sure your wife can stop by for you for a little while." She answered while looking at his chart.

"No!!!!" He shouted. Taken a back, she looked at him, He was touching his head when he talks. She went up to him and once again tests his eyes. Still responsive. "You can't call my wife.. She- She hates me right now." He answered. She knotted her head.

"How could your wife possibly hate you?" She asked. "We had a little fight is all..." He stopped talking for a while clearly hiding something and sighed.

"Actually no. My wife and I has been fighting a lot recently. We never fight like this. So I definitely don't want her to worry." He continue to argue.

She remembers Derek, the fight they had. It all seems stupid now, now that he's gone. It's all stupid. She should have just went to DC with him.

"When will you call her then?" She asked the man. "Maybe after the surgery?" The guy looks at her pleading his eyes.

"You know this surgery could kill you. It might be too much right now. But that fight you have is gonna be the least of her worries once she finds out your hurt. Your wife is probably already worried. So if I were you. Talk to your wife. While you still can." The words rolls out her tongue. It stings. The words from her doesn't seem to be true. She sighed and sighed again. "Well Dr. Bello is gonna take you up to CT after you called your wife." She said and the guy doesn't seem to want to answer so she walked out motioning her intern to follow. "You should page Dr. Shepherd. Neuro. Someone should check his head again."

The intern looked at her with confusion and maybe a little bit of pity? "What? Did you not hear me?" She asked the intern who is just looking at her confuse. "N-No! It's just." The intern sighed and looked over to the room where they were just in.

"Mr. McKenna is already cleared in Neuro."

"Dr. Bello. When I say page neuro again. Page neuro again. Got it?" She smiled at her stupid intern "Got it." She answered "But um, Dr- Dr. Grey.. I don't mean to pry but maybe you're mistaking this case to your husband?"

The audacity. She sighed. "Dr. Bello. That guy in there" She pointed at Mr. Ralph. "Has a family. It might not seem like it. It might not seem like he has no one but that guy has a family. He has someone. Someone who cared for him. If he dies? It is not me who will suffer. It's his mother. "She paused for a while. "his sisters, his friends, his wife and they will hate me." She paused again regaining her breath. She didn't notice she's starting to yell. "with every ounce of their being they will hate me, and you and everyone here." She looked around. Everyone starts to look at them. "Because they won't understand why he is gone? Why people always leave? Why everyone you give a crap about walks away or is ripped from your world without warning, without reasons because of some stupid diseases and plane crashes and stupid hospitals with stupid doctors who don't know what they're supposed to do!!! Which is save people." She paused. "So if I want a damn neuro consult, I'll damn make sure I get one!!!" She looked at her intern with so much anger. She's mad. She's mad at everyone and everything that happening in her life.

She starts to notice it. People whispering. People whispering around her. People murmuring words she can't quite understand. She looked around yet everyone is looking at her. Some in so much pity. But she doesn't want their pity. She wants them all to go. While she was looking, there is her friends. The people who has been looking after her all this time. Her friends. Amelia, Richard, April and Maggie. Somehow Owen was there with Amelia handing over some charts together maybe reviewing a patient together.

She licked her lips and gasped. She put her hands in her head like somehow it's all gonna stop the pain she's feeling inside.

She ran because that's what she do best. Somehow finding an empty on call room. She sat down, feeling a little defeated. She whimpered, not wanting to cry, she just sat there. The room is dark. It seems empty but she didn't know that someone was there with her. Alex. He was sleeping when she barged in the said room. He just stayed quiet, not wanting to make any sudden movements. She stared at her while she tries so hard to regain her strength. She's hurting. She's hurting so much, she's in so much pain but she's stuffing it all in just like she used to do. She haven't heard her cry since she moved back in a few days ago. Says she couldn't handle being at the house that Derek built. It's too much memories. He watched her, it might seem creepy but that's all he can do for her right now since she doesn't want any help at all.

One day, it's all gonna snap and everyone is scared including Alex, because when that time happens, they just hope that everyone is there with her to comfort her.

Meredith didn't realize she was shouting at the intern until she stopped talking. Until she felt the sudden burst of silence from the hospital itself.

Amelia watched the events unfold, from being paged, to Meredith screaming at the intern that looks like she was about to cry. She couldn't blame Meredith because that feeling is unbearable. That pain is beyond her imagination to put to words. All she knew was that something within herself had snapped, something that her sister hadn't realize was so close to breaking causing her to scream at her intern. She watched her ran away, all of them wanting to help her but she maybe beyond help.

None of Meredith's friends have been thru this before except maybe Amelia. They have been in pain, but not this much pain. Something inside Meredith had died along with her husband. They want to offer some help, maybe some comfort but it seems like everything they say is all a bunch of lies because it is. The pain she's not feeling because she's too numb to feel it. The pain is too much to handle so her body is numbing her so she can't feel it, but little by little that pain will rise and they just hope that Meredith wouldn't give up just yet when that time comes.

**I'm still writing the other story! Don't worry I didn't abandon it. Hope this doesn't hurt you as much as it did me. Again this is only a three-shot story :)**


	2. Void

**_Hi everyone! So a lot of you are sad about this ff and let me just say that this story has no happy ending. I mainly wrote it for my curiosity and for me this helped me love Meredith a little more even if it means hurting me by writing it. I didn't mean to make you cry because this is fed for my addiction only. I want to make sure that Meredith is still inside our heart and that's something that shouldn't be taken away. I am heartbroken when Meredith started to put away things that reminded her of Derek and I really get it. I truly do. I want her to be happy but if that means erasing the memory of Derek fully then no I don't want it. I have never been so devastated when Derek died. This is how Meredith should have grieved without tainting Derek's existence just like the show did._**

Meredith just sat there. She was trying her hardest not to feel anything but the pain is way too much to handle. A tear left her eyes, a tear that somehow represents every aching pain inside her, left her eyes. Just one drop. She was strong. She's still strong. She breathed. She wiped her tears again and stands up pivoting to the door and holding the door hinge somehow she thought that once she opened this door, all the pain will be gone again. She tilted it open and walked out the door. It's way too much to handle for such little time.

She's studying every move everyone is making around her like it's the most interesting thing that she's seen. Every patients. She looks at them with so much awe, asking them some personal questions and advice that somehow it will all feel like it's going to be okay. But she knows better. She didn't survive all this horrible things happen to her just to come out the other side broken. She experienced pain and come out stronger.

Every waking moment of her every patients has been joy. It's the only source of happiness she has this days. It maybe not enough to put a smile on her face. A genuine smile but it's enough to make her feel something in her heart that she hasn't felt in a long time.

Every time she looks at her kids all she can see is him. Their time together and the pain it brought her to tell her kids, their daddy is dead and he's never coming back. She wanted to be strong for all of them especially Zola since old enough to know everything. "I miss Daddy." the pang in her chest that if the room is very silent, everyone can hear it. Her oldest says those words like nothing but it did mean something. It means so much.

All she can think about it how unfair and cunning it must be to take away a pure soul? Everything happens for a reason? Is there a reason for this? To cause her more pain? Sometimes she thinks she's cursed and she's just waiting for her to drop dead anytime soon. First her Mother, her sister, now her husband?. Everyone left. Cristina. George died. Izzie had cancer then left. Every one that has ever walked in her life has left. Everyone did. Her father first walked away and now he might as well be dead too.

It's scary how much she became aware of everything now. She's well aware of everything. She can feel every movement everyone makes. Starting from the elevator to her OR, she even noticed her intern dropped his hands out of the sterile field. Every detail seems so evident. She was thinking of maybe seeing a shrink? But that would require talking about him and she really don't want to feel that pain still lingering her body so that idea went sideways. She notice it too, Richard maybe Bailey too and some of her friends, tracking her maybe waiting for her to make a mistake. She see's them all the time at her OR gallery. She doesn't blame them but it's really starting to get on her nerves. It's like they don't trust her anymore. That's what it feels like.

She walks around the hospital like it's her home. She's barely even home anymore. Where is home? She thought? What would it be like to feel at home? She rarely see her kids. It's like she's turning into Ellis her mother. She's turning into someone she doesn't want to be and that scares the crap out of her.

She walked into daycare, night care, whatever care. And she's looking around, her eyes searching for her kids. She spotted them and walked towards them.

"Mommy's here." sweet but very little voice of Zola welcomed her. She scooted down to reach her kids height and hugged the two of them. After a while not wanting to talk Zola said "Look what me and Bailey did Mommy!!" Squealing softly her kids gave her a little bond paper with a very smudge coloring of a rainbow and some clouds. "That's what Bailey tried to draw Mommy." Zola met her eyes and she smiled. For the first time in forever, her kid made her smile. She sighed and said "It looks good for a four year old." Four years. Sounding proud "What about you? What did you drew for Mommy?" She asked Zola still sat down. "I wanted to draw something with Daddy in it."

Meredith's smile broke. The mere mention of Derek is killing her inside piece by piece. Her daughter handed her a half piece of paper with a drawing of a complete family. The guy assuming it's Derek and Meredith hold hands. Bailey and then Zola on the other end. She noticed a wet part in the bottom of the paper, she looked at her kids not wanting to say or make a sudden movement. She closed her eyes for a moment and opened it again only to find her oldest child trying her hardest not to cry. Zola sniffled and a tear fell out of her eyes. Meredith put her hands to caress her small face and she cupped it just like her husband used to do and tried her hardest to comfort a seven yr old that just lost her Dad. Her first ever love. She sniffled and said "Your daddy would be so proud of you." She said while holding her face, She bit her lip and she can feel her eyes starts watering. She sniffled and tugged Zola in her chest. She hugged her softly but tight. "So, so proud."

Meredith closed her eyes, imagining Derek. Her heart cried. She opened her eyes still hugging her child tightly she looked at Bailey playing with legos in his own little world and having no clue on what's happening. She heard her daughter sniffled again. She let go and kissed her daughter's temples. "You know Daddy loves you very much. Both of you." She stands up and moved to a more comfortable sitting position and spent time with her kids. She looked at the paper Zola drew still wondering why there's a wet part in the bottom of it and realization hit her and all she can think about is Zola was crying when she was drawing. She looked at her kids while they play happily again wondering how they managed to do it.

Alex watching from the glass behind the day care with a smile on his face. A family, maybe not a complete one but if he didn't know Meredith, He would probably just think it's a normal family spending time together but there's more behind it.

If you look closely, Meredith's eyes and her kids has a void behind it. A void no one will ever be able to fill and Alex is scared that Meredith will never be the same again. I mean how can she be the same again? That girl's heart beat for Derek Shepherd. He was her everything. The man turned her world. It seems impossible to move on from someone that has been with you half your life, has teach you so many beautiful things about life and has thought you time and time again that love is worth fighting for.

**_My next chapter is gonna be the last one and it's gonna be long.. And no I'm not gonna make Meredith pregnant because in my opinion that just adds more pain to her suffering. Imagine having your husband died and then you found out that your carrying another child that He's not gonna see growing up. Plus this is mainly written for Meredith's way of grieving and some important relationships she and her friends and family have with each other._**


End file.
